EBC: Solace

The night was quiet. All the cats were in their beds, sleeping peacefully in the comforting embrace of the darkness. No moon shone overhead, but the earth was still lit in the soft glow of the stars, providing enough light to see by. It was the kind of night that made one feel content; content to be at rest, to know the day was finally over, to know that at last the surrender of sleep was available. All seemed to find this night satisfying – all but one.

Theron lay awake in her den, her violet eyes hooded as she gazed out at nothingness. The feeling of Sugarra’s fur pressed against her side gave her minimal comfort; despite how good it felt to simply be able to heart the puma’s heartbeat next to hers, after all this time apart. Tonight, no one could lend the serval the support she needed. The only one who could was far, far away, gone from her life forever.

She’s in love. She’s in love, and you’re alone.

She bolted up suddenly, a growl rising in her throat. Cutting it off before it could awake her mentor, the serval stalked out of the healer’s den and into the open space of the camp clearing, her movements jerky and slow as she tried to fight down the rising flood of emotions within her. Her ears pressed flat against her skull as she stopped in the middle of the camp, head hanging low as she tried her best to keep her shouts of anger behind her clenched teeth.

“Get a grip on yourself, Theron,” she whispered harshly to herself. “You’re better than this.”

Or so she told herself. Even though she knew it was wrong, knew it was akin to betrayal, she still felt the sting of jealousy, the burn of anger, the cut of sadness. It was almost too much for her. Her breath came out in ragged pants, and her legs trembled as she sunk her claws into the dry earth. It was wrong. It was completely, utter, totally wrong, for her to feel this way. But her emotions would not heed her words.

She ran. She wanted out, away, away from it all. All this time, and it was still as if it just happened yesterday. Pained blue eyes, words choked in agony, the spike of fear and shock driven through her heart. The sudden feel of dozens of eyes on her, the whispers breaking through the crowd as she was numb; numb to her very core. She hadn’t even recognized the sound of her own pitiful wail as it rose above it all, drowning everything else out. She hadn’t known she was crying until she felt the wetness drip down to her paws.

She’s in love, and he’s gone. Gone forever.

The underbrush whipped against her pelt, some leaving red welts under her fur, others causing blood to bloom where they sliced through her skin. She didn’t know where she was going, or to where, nor did she care. She just wanted away. Away from the looks shared, the words whispered lovingly, the gentle touches between the two. Tears made marks down her cheeks, but she gave them as little thought as she did the scratches marring her sides. Nothing mattered – the only thing she could focus on was the sound of the wind her ears, and the rhythmic thudding of her paws on the grass.

As she ran, she began to make sense of where she was, even though she told herself she was making it up. Even as the ground began to rise, she still denied it. She was running to nowhere, with no destination in mind. She would keep on running, and she would never stop; not until her legs refused to stop working and she was forced to fall. She was not going anywhere. There was nothing, nothing without him. No landmarks mattered when he wasn’t there to find them with her.

The treeline finally broke, and suddenly, the sky opened up above her. Her paws kicked up dust as she forced herself to slide to a halt – it was that, or go tumbling head-over-heels off the cliff. Rocks dug into her paw pads, adding to the sting of the scratches along the side of her body. Her heart was beating so fast she thought it was going to burst out of her chest.

Taking in the starry sky, the spreading view of the lake below, and the spot where the land met the sky, all her energy seemed to sink to the tips of her toes before leaking out into the ground. With slow, sluggish steps, she made her way to the edge of the cliff, her violet eyes wide as she took in the sight. Even after all this time, all these months, her paws still led her here. Here, where everything had been perfect. Here, the last time she had been truly happy. Here, the place she still visited in her dreams, and in her nightmares.

She’s in love, and she’ll leave you. Just like he did.

The wail she had been holding back finally escaped her grasp and broke out of her throat. “You were supposed to be with me forever!” she cried mournfully to the heavens. “You were supposed to stand by my side! How could you leave me? How could you leave me behind? You lied! You promised me you would stay with me! But you left! You left me! You’re … you’re a liar … How c-could you …”

Her fierce cry trailed off into a wounded sob, a sound that she would never allow herself to make in front of others. It was a sign of defeat. Her water gaze stayed fixed on the stars, but the sky was unmoved by her pain. It offered no comfort, no hope, no escape from her torment. Her body shook as she sobbed, her mouth slightly open as she tried her best to get air to her lungs. The sky was empty, just like her.

“I loved you, Reel. I loved you, and you left me.”

The name tasted bittersweet on her tongue – she had refused to speak his name, to even think of him, ever since he had been captured. Her entire body ached with the absence of him, as if she was missing a limb. It seemed unfair. All her life she had had things taken away from her; her father, her mentor, her childhood. And now her love.

The sky remained silent, the stars twinkling faintly as they shone on her. Shone on her, alone, without Reel.

She’s in love, and she’ll forget about you.

Her teeth snapped shut as she snarled back at those blasted stars, mocking her with their faint, steady light. They didn’t know anything. How dare they judge her for what she couldn’t help? She already felt awful for the thoughts running rampant through her head. She was ashamed. Ashamed, and angry. All she wanted to do was forget, but everywhere she looked, she saw what she couldn’t have. Everywhere she looked, she saw what was taken from her.

Slowly, so slowly, her anger melted away and left only a raw, throbbing sadness.  Her ears wilted, and her head dropped to her chest, not wanting to look out on the sight of the lake anymore. The sight that felt wrong to be viewed alone. With the scornful stars spread out overhead, illuminating her every thought, her every fear, she felt horribly, terribly alone.

A weak sob escaped her chest as more tears hit the ground in front of her paws. “I’m sorry, Cynthia,” she cried softly. “I’m so sorry.”

How could she help it? She had had the very thing that Cynthia recently discovered ripped away from her. Every time she saw her, with him, with Adin, she felt as if her very soul was going to explode. Every time they smiled at each other, every time they shared those quiet looks, every time they were even in the same vicinity as each other … it was like an arrow to her heart. And she knew, through it all, that it was a very, very wrong way to feel.

Shame washed over her in waves, as if she had been plunged into the rolling waters of the lake below her. “I should be happy,” she whispered to no one but the sky. “I should be happy for her. I … I’m a terrible friend, aren’t I?” she continued, looking back up at the stars.

They still twinkled down on her, as if voicing their agreement. It was only fitting, being mocked by stars.

What would Reel think?

The thought was so unexpected, for a moment she could only blink up at the night sky. Her violet eyes slid back down to the landscape, the folds of land she knew so well, the swell of the water that was all too familiar to her. What would he think? He would be mad at her. He would understand, but he would be mad at her. She could picture his scowl as if he was sitting right beside her, just like that day, when she first brought him here. He would shake his head with that little frown on his face, and tell her she was wrong.

He would tell her … that her feelings were justified. He would tell her that she should never feel ashamed because of what she felt.

He would tell her that he loved her, and that he was sorry.

Staring at the lake, she felt fresh tears flow over her cheeks. But these were not tears of sadness or anger -- they were simply ... tears. She could almost hear his voice, feel his fur pressed against hers, and for a brief, fleeting moment, she felt … whole. The wind caressed her cheeks, and she felt her chest rise with the first deep breath she caught that night. The emptiness, the sadness, the anger inside her, was replaced with a calming peace. The stars, so far up ahead, lost their mocking tint as a sliver of moon appeared from its hiding place behind a wisp of cloud.

Gazing up at the moon, she felt comfort. Wherever Reel was, he would see that same moon.

Underneath the calm, the pain was still there, and she guessed it would never really go away. Utterly and completely spent, Theron lowered herself to the ground, and curled her tail around her paws as best she could, looking over the now-brightened landscape. She didn’t want to go back, to the place where so many cats roamed, to where the feel of the apprentice was lost to her.

Here, on this cliff, she felt closer to Reel. Here, on this cliff, the ache didn’t seem so strong. Here, she could finally say good bye.

She rested her paws on her head, her heart aching with her loss. Her eyes stayed fixed on the sky, and like her anger, she felt her longing and jealousy slip away into the ground. She remembered how happy she felt with Reel, how everything seemed brighter when he was around, and how the sun couldn’t compete with his smile. She thought about how safe she felt when she was with him, and how happy she had been. And then, she was glad, because she knew her best friend in the entire world was experiences those feelings too.

A small smile found its way onto her tired face, and her eyes slid closed as she realized that she was, in fact, happy for her friend. Behind all the pain, all the quiet anger, she had been happy. Cynthia would have a good life with Adin. She would have to live the rest of it where Theron couldn’t, but the serval wouldn’t let her feelings get in the way of it again. She understood, now, more than ever. Even if he was gone, in his own special, annoying way, he had made her understand.

Alone, curled up on an outcrop of rock, underneath the cold stars, she found solace in one thought:

She would rather lose him all over again, then to have never come to love him at all.

She was happy to have been able to love him. And now, she was happy to finally let him be free.