return of the ratt

WELL

s'been a while since I've been here ... hahaha ....

I left on a pretty bitter note in January, but seeing as what I was going through, it was understandable. Struggling with severe depression is NOT a lot of fun. On the flip side, I'm on the road to recovery and should soon have a decent handle on it.

For my friends who have been left in the dark (I'm sososo sorry) because of my absence, here's a recap:

So, in the beginning of December I managed to dive to the lowest I've ever felt in my entire life. I could barely get out of bed, I didn't find joy in anything, and I was experiencing MAJOR depersonalization (basically nothing felt real, my own movements didnt feel real, and my thoughts didnt seem my own -- my dad called it 'unreality' and its scary as hell). I was in a really bad place. I ran away from home twice, once in the freezing cold with a plan not to make it back home. Another time the school had to call the crisis team because I was terrified I was going to hurt myself -- badly. It was scary and I hope to never have to go through that again. I honestly wanted to end my life.

Luckily I had people here who convinced me that it WILL get better and that they're here for me 120%. I dropped all my classes and for roughly three weeks I didn't go to school because I just COULDNT. It was too much for me. Not to mention, I was put on heavy antidepressants and those are NOT fun. I got really sick, even had to miss one of my exams (its okay they just gave me a no mark WHEW), and never knew when I was going to have a breakdown or throw up from the meds or what. It was pretty ugly.

My councilors at school have been simply amazing. They finally convinced me that the science root I was planning on taking just wasn't going to work with my current mental state. So, I dropped my calculus and chemistry ... and was switched into co-op and sculpture. I'm now co-oping at the public school across from the high school and I help out the children who have learning barriers. In the afternoon I have a sculpture class with my favorite teacher ever and then I have a spare so I can work on my sketchbook. It's done wonders for my mentality, let me tell you. Not to mention I finally found a medication that doesn't make me throw up stomach acid at 3am, so that's also a plus! (even though my current meds make me shake like a leaf and I get nauseous a lot but HEY I'm not gonna complain)

I'm ... feeling a lot better. I actually like getting out of bed now. I can smile and laugh and sing my favorite songs again. I feel alive more often than not. I can even draw again, and wow does it make me happy. I try to get out and do stuff so I don't isolate myself like before, and I've been spending more time with my friends. Not to mention DRAGON AGE. Have you guys played Dragon Age???? I'm literally addicted. The blond men just drag me in and I'm gone. Don't get me started on Alistair or Anders I will literally never stop talking (and dont even THINK about Solas because jfc) BUT ANYWAYS

I think I'm going to try to return to dA. Probably take it slow so I don't drown myself in the stress of group assignments and roleplays. I'm probably just going to focus on Ruska for now, and maybe branch out and return to EBC when I know I can manage my time better. I'm excited and nervous to come back ... haha ... I hope I haven't missed to much. And I've missed all my friends here so much.

So ... I'm going to leave it on that note. It feels good to be back, haha. I'm going to try to catch up on TRD journals to see what I've missed, and maybe upload some art as well (though I might save that for tomorrow so I don't overwhelm my poor mind HAA)

Lots of Love,
Rattie